Imperceptible Me

i hate myself. i hate my life. i hate my stupid life. i hate…i hate…i just hate my life and everything that goes with it (i.e. academics).

ESPECIALLY academics.

my acads have been taking up so much of my time that i hardly have time for anything else! i hate it! it’s been keeping me from enjoying my life and my friends. I HATE IT!!!!!!

but it’s not like i have much choice. if i don’t study, i fail (i.e. my third LE in math: failed. reason: i only had one day of studying the stupid subject because i used the whole week to study for another test (eee 31). and i had to, because i failed its SECOND test, i couldn’t afford another failure). simple as that.

i miss my old life, my high school life. the kind of life where you could study your butt off while still having some time left to enjoy with your friends; some time to just LIVE.

but that would never happen. if, by some sudden odd twist of fate, it would happen, then i’d be sticking to that life forever.

i envy my younger sister, ciara. she’s still in high school and living a more carefree life. the only time when every high school kulasa is REALLY hectic is during perio week (or even the week before that). and there are four periodical weeks in a school year. but after that, nothing more. unless one has a project or something, but that’s nothing–NOTHING, i tell you–when compared to a college student’s life after midterms or finals.

i am so stupid. how–HOW–could i let my academics take over my whole life?? i cannot tolerate this! i shouldn’t let studying take over what little enjoyment in life that i have left: time with my family, and with my barkada, and with my other friends, and with myself (well, one has to have time for oneself, right?).

i can’t take this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there is absolutely no solution to this. all i have to do is grin and bear it.

i can’t very well shift to another course. if i would, i wouldn’t know which course to shift in. there are no other desirable courses for me but what i have right now.

and i can’t DROP the subjects that have been causing me this stress. they’re ALL major subjects, and they’re ALL pre-requisites to other major subjects in the future. i CANNOT drop them. i shouldn’t even be THINKING of dropping them. and the worst part is, my whole future is dependent on what i’m doing now. if i fail a subject, i get hold back a year. a whole YEAR.

but whatever.

if anyone of you, whom i haven’t been in touch with lately, is reading this, i apologize. i know i shouldn’t substitute my time with you with my time for studying, but please bear with me. you could see that i have no choice.

f**k my life.