Imperceptible Me

and it’s not love either.

well…kind of.

this past summer, i’ve been saying goodbye to a couple of people. one was janelle (a.k.a. jim, jimmeroo, janellita baklita), and the other was therese (a.k.a. thet).

they’ve both migrated to the US of A this summer, and it’s made me experienced certain feelings that i’ve never felt before.

i’ve never really missed anything or anyone as much as i miss them now, and a year hasn’t even gone past!
the fact that they’re not here anymore and that they’re now halfway across the world still hasn’t sunk in yet, but i hope it does.  because i still feel like they’re here, like i could just call their house and ask for them and they’ll come to the phone and talk with me, like before. but i know it’ll never happen.

the school year’s started and academics is going to keep my mind off things for a moment, but i don’t think it’ll help me get over this.

but i just HAVE to! or else i’ll suffer for the rest of my life…

this same feeling i felt when gaye went to singapore after graduation (but just for a month) and when my cousins from america went home after their two (or one) month visit here. i felt especially sad when my cousins went home because we were told that we wouldn’t see each other for two years. TWO WHOLE YEARS! it’s unbearable! i felt unenthusiastic for weeks!

but eventually, i assured myself that with patience, two years of waiting would be a breeze.

so, i think with a little patience now, a little waiting wouldn’t hurt.

jim said she would return during the christmas holidays, so it’s definitely something to look forward to.

and even though thet hasn’t said anything yet about returning here for a visit, i think it would be a very nice surprise if she mentions when.

hey, a little patience never hurt anyone.

i hate myself. i hate my life. i hate my stupid life. i hate…i hate…i just hate my life and everything that goes with it (i.e. academics).

ESPECIALLY academics.

my acads have been taking up so much of my time that i hardly have time for anything else! i hate it! it’s been keeping me from enjoying my life and my friends. I HATE IT!!!!!!

but it’s not like i have much choice. if i don’t study, i fail (i.e. my third LE in math: failed. reason: i only had one day of studying the stupid subject because i used the whole week to study for another test (eee 31). and i had to, because i failed its SECOND test, i couldn’t afford another failure). simple as that.

i miss my old life, my high school life. the kind of life where you could study your butt off while still having some time left to enjoy with your friends; some time to just LIVE.

but that would never happen. if, by some sudden odd twist of fate, it would happen, then i’d be sticking to that life forever.

i envy my younger sister, ciara. she’s still in high school and living a more carefree life. the only time when every high school kulasa is REALLY hectic is during perio week (or even the week before that). and there are four periodical weeks in a school year. but after that, nothing more. unless one has a project or something, but that’s nothing–NOTHING, i tell you–when compared to a college student’s life after midterms or finals.

i am so stupid. how–HOW–could i let my academics take over my whole life?? i cannot tolerate this! i shouldn’t let studying take over what little enjoyment in life that i have left: time with my family, and with my barkada, and with my other friends, and with myself (well, one has to have time for oneself, right?).

i can’t take this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there is absolutely no solution to this. all i have to do is grin and bear it.

i can’t very well shift to another course. if i would, i wouldn’t know which course to shift in. there are no other desirable courses for me but what i have right now.

and i can’t DROP the subjects that have been causing me this stress. they’re ALL major subjects, and they’re ALL pre-requisites to other major subjects in the future. i CANNOT drop them. i shouldn’t even be THINKING of dropping them. and the worst part is, my whole future is dependent on what i’m doing now. if i fail a subject, i get hold back a year. a whole YEAR.

but whatever.

if anyone of you, whom i haven’t been in touch with lately, is reading this, i apologize. i know i shouldn’t substitute my time with you with my time for studying, but please bear with me. you could see that i have no choice.

f**k my life.

i recently just finished reading Helen Fielding’s "Bridget Jones’ Diary" that i bought from the second-hand bookstore in the AS walk last week. it truly IS a funny book; far funnier than the movie itself, as you can see how contradicting Bridget really is.

i loved the book because, not only was it satisfying my apetite for comedy at that moment, but it was because i can somehow relate to Bridget’s situation. how she dreamed of having a boyfriend and stuff. but this was due to the reason of people pressuring her to get one because she was over thirty already and she still hasn’t hooked up with anybody.
my case is different. nobody’s pressuring me to have a boyfriend. they’re actually DISCOURAGING me to have one. and i don’t really mind…much.

i just hate the feeling that you’re deprived of something that you want to have. not that i would want a bf right now, but i just don’t think i’m ready yet.

so what am i to do before then? sit around, feeling like a pathetic, unattractive loser whom no one wants to be with whilst i watch all the happy, content couples walk in front of me, flaunting their togetherness.

so Bridget Jones’ diary finally snapped me out of my lonely-romantic mode and curtly reminded me that we ladies don’t really need men to complete our lives. we can still live without them (although, speaking in terms of "propagating the species", as said in our anthro class earlier, it really isn’t possible).

girls have to act like they don’t need guys. because to do so, we would be able to discover this whole new world of OTHER possibilities that we can succeed in in life.

so no more of these sappy love songs about gals pining over guys, or girls sobbing over a break-up. STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES, LADIES. guys are found EVERYWHERE. there will always be one to bow to your (ill) will. *evil chuckle* heehee, just kidding.

ooh, special thanks to tesa and gaye. couldn’t have realized this without you guys.
oops.
i meant GIRLS.
over and out!

just songs that i can relate to…probably won’t mean something to other people, but these lyrics mean a lot to ME. here goes:

some lyrics from jann arden’s "you don’t know me"

you give your hand to me
and then you say "hello"
and i can hardly speak
my heart is beating so
and anyone can tell
you think you know me well
but you don’t know me

no, you don’t know the one
who dreams of you at night
and longs to kiss your lips
longs to hold you tight
oh, i am just a friend
that’s all i’ve ever been
’cause you don’t know me

…afraid and shy
i let my chance go by
the chance that you might
love me too

you give your hand to me
and then you say goodbye
i watch you walk away
beside a lucky girl
oh, you will never know
the one who loves you so
well, you don’t know me

some lyrics from jojo’s "secret love"

just a friend
that’s all i’ve ever been
to you
oh, just a girl
who wants to be the center
of your world

but i ain’t got much to offer
but my heart and soul
and i guess that’s not enough
for you to notice me
i’m just your girl
and i guess that’s all i’ll ever be
to you
to you

i try to smile when i see
other girls with you
acting like everything
is okay, but oh,
you don’t know how it feels
to be so in love
with someone who doesn’t even know
my secret love

in my dreams
i see us both together constantly
why can’t you see
there’s love that’s there for you
inside of me

what do i have to do
for you to notice this?
you look at her with love
for me it’s just friendship
i’m just your girl
and i guess that’s all i’ll ever be
to you
to you, you

what do you see in her
you don’t see in me?
boy, you’re so hard to believe
why do you show her love
but there’s none for me

is it because
i ain’t got much to offer
but my heart and soul
and i guess that’s not enough for you
to notice me
i’m just your girl
and i guess that’s all i’ll ever be
to you
to you, you, you

haay…how sad.

*sigh*

over and out.

i once watched an episode of "Unfabulous" where Addie was treated by almost everyone as if she’s invisible.

i can’t say that i can relate to her that day. i mean, i’ve practically made it clear that sometimes, i DO want to be invisible; imperceptible as air.
maybe it’s probably because i’m tired of all the attention that i’m getting. i’m not saying that i’m always the center of attention. what i mean is that sometimes, i’d like to draw most of that attention away from me.

plus, if i can really BE invisible (you know, have invisibility powers like Violet Parr in the "incredibles"), i can do all sorts of cool stuff. like follow my crush around the campus and see what he does (besides attend classes).
sounds very stalker-ish of me, i know. it gives me the creeps.

anyway, in that "unfabulous" episode, i saw the disadvantage of being invisible. like not being able to get people’s attention when you need something. food, for instance (in case you can’t get any…).

but this still doesn’t change my answer to the question "if you could have one superpower, what would it be?"

i would still answer "invisibility". because it’s just too cool an idea to get rid of. heehee…

anyway, moving on to more REAL topics, i can hardly wait for the day when my friends transfer to diliman from the manila and baguio campuses. i just can’t wait!

i just don’t know what i’d do without them. they’re my lifesavers! i firmly believe that i can’t have survived high school without them.

i love my best friends. they mean the world to me. they probably know that by now, but i just can’t seem to stop saying it. my best friends mean the world to me.

of course, besides my family and God, my best friends are my 2nd priority. if they tell me that they’re coming home for the weekend, i would wait for the day so impatiently, nadadamay tuloy ung mga tao sa paligid ko. i would start telling people how excited i am for one of my best friends’ homecoming, even if it IS just for one or two days.

i also make it a point to communicate with them on the phone at least ONCE during their stay.

but sometimes, if they didn’t tell me that they went down for the weekend (like gaye often does) or if i didn’t get to read their text message (like i USUALLY do), they would be the ones calling me.
and i would put aside everything i do just to talk to them.
that’s how much they mean to me.

oh-kay, i’m getting a little mushy here. better go.

it’s finals week again for me. finals week for me always means shutting myself up in our study room and beating up my brain with hard hitting facts (lame pun, i know. bare with me. i’ve studied my butt out for four straight days already).

finals week also means that my dad would start loading me with…

no, not questions about whether or not i’m studying.

he loads me with garlic crunch flavored peanuts.

i am not kidding.

(ciara is now laughing at the fact that the roman emperor nero used to drive around his chariot naked. well…he WAS off his rocker)

if i haven’t been brushing my teeth more than i usually do, i’d probably have garlic breath by now.

why has papa been dumping nuts on my study desk, you ask? well, i think there’s a saying that eating nuts would make you memorize facts faster. i guess that’s it.

but hello?? he could’ve bought me nuts that have a different flavor. ones that wouldn’t give me bad breath!

but i have to admit, those nuts were good. i finished nearly half of the pack.
papa told me earlier today, "ang lakas mong umubos ng mga nuts na yan ah" with a smirk.

i retorted that it was he who was finishing half of it, that’s why i’m getting a new pack of nuts everyday.

okay, enough about finals. my mind is beat-up already as it is.

now, about friendster…
this new feature on "who’s viewing me" is a real bummer. i mean, it’s good that you would get to see who’s viewing your profile and stuff, but it’s not good when it’ll be YOUR turn to view people’s profile.

it’s not good when you’re stalking someone in friendster and the only protection you have is your anonymity.
ciara’s classmates were complaining, "hindi na ‘ko makapag-stalk sa crush ko!"

to which i can only say:

SO TRUE!

i mean, it’s bad enough that you don’t get the chance to stare at your crush whenever he/she is near you because he/she might catch you staring at him/her (in my case it’s a "him"…duh…), you don’t need THIS friendster thing to let him/her know that you like him/her!

and, come to think about it, friendster is, like, my sanctuary. in crush terms, i mean. you can stalk your crush/es and other people’s crushes. like for instance, i’m making gaye and tesa read my crush’s profile. if my crush sees these people viewing his profile, he’d be able to trace it back to ME! which would make it TOTALLY OBVIOUS! and who’d want that? i sure wouldn’t.

plus, i’m viewing gaye’s and tesa’s crushes too! i wouldn’t want to be the cause of their crushes discovering that THEY like THEM. (am i making sense here?)

oh well…guess i’ll have to accept the fact that i won’t be able to "stalk" my crush from now on.

unless…

hm, i just got a bright idea.

i might be able to view other people’s accounts in anonimity after all.

gotta go!

*evil chuckle*

i am officially free of the-subject-that’s-giving-me-a-headache ES!

the finals for this subject was held yesterday, and i’m trying not to get ahead of myself. the test was fairly challenging, but i don’t want to get my hopes up. i don’t want to think that i’m going to pass that test, the results just might burst my bubble of hope.

but nonetheless, i computed for the lowest possible grade that i can get on each of the six plates that we did. i was with ate kate at mcdonald’s in farmer’s plaza that time when i tried to compute for my finals grade. to my horror, i computed a 56.66667 finals grade. (gawd, WHY am i so grade-conscious? hm…maybe it’s because i’m flunking the subject…heehee.)

after that, i computed my grade in the subject. 45% for the three long exams, 40% for the final exam, and multiply my plate average by 1.5.

to my total surprise, i got a….

64.5

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I PASSED!!!!!!!

i’m gonna pass the subject even though i failed in the finals and in the first two exams!!!

at least, i think i would.

grrr….i don’t know if i did the right computations, but i sure hope i did. i’m not going to be able to take up several major subjects next year if i don’t scrape by ES with a tres. and the grade that i computed (64.5) is even equivalent to a 2.75! i just don’t believe it. i just can’t believe that i can pass a subject in which i failed three out of four exams. but there’s still a spark of hope inside me…

ah, what else to write?
oh, yeah! this has just been the greatest week ever! in the history of my ongoing college life!
not only am i passing tests (well, the only test that i know i passed so far this week is my third exam in ES. but what the heck.), i’m also given the chance to bond with my blockmates. well, some of them anyway.

i just love my blockmates! they’re friendly and helpful people, never snobs. and i’m very thankful to have them. i hope we’ll all stay this happy with each other forever.

aah…i’m feeling a little senti today…

and i learned a valuable lesson for this week:

you only have a bad day when you make it one.

no, seriously, i just learned that this week. as in talagang minamalas ako, pero hindi nalang ako nagrereklamo. my day (and week) would only become bad if i make it one.

imagine, dahil sa todong ulan, lagi akong minalas ngayong linggo. yung tipong nababasa yung paa ko kasi naka-tsinelas lang ako, tska yung nabasa yung pantalon ko dahil mahaba siya, tipong ganon. that’s why this week, todo suot ako ng mga capri pants after nung pants incident nung monday. (damn rain…and wala namang bagyo. ang labo talaga…)

so much has happened this week but i don’t want to elaborate kasi hahaba ‘tong entry na ‘to. ito nalang sasabihin ko before i end this:

THE CHEERDANCE COMPETITION WAS A BLAST!

kahit hindi nanalo ang UP (curse UST…), masaya parin ang aming panonood ng cheerdance compe because i got to see the better routines than the ones that i watched back in high school.
the stunts were much more dangerous, daring, and thrilling. and the synchronization of the UST, adamson, and UP dancers were amazing! i’ve never seen better routines than the ones those teams did (i meant ALL the teams…).
pero medyo bad trip nga lang at USTE pa rin ang panalo (as in pang-apat na nila ‘to in a row), pero okay lang.

UP will get them next year.

*evil laugh*

as much as i want to hate this day, i can’t.

to be fair, P.E. today was good. today was our practical test in knot tying (bo-ring!) and our project routes.
project routes are those routes on the wall that you’ve *supposedly* practiced for…many times.

unfortunately, i only chose my project route last meeting, which gave me nil days to practice on it. no practice. just climb. and the route was hard, mind you. i had to smear the wall a couple of times. and i had to ask my partner-slash-belayer to toss me a chalk ball ’cause my hands were getting sweaty and, therefore, slippery.

it was really hard, the red slash route on the molly’s walk wall. but i managed to top it out (meaning, i finished it). with just a little encouragement from my partner-slash-belayer-slash-friend, (and little encouragement from myself too), i managed to reach the top of the wall.

it was fun, knowing that i didn’t quit climbing it, especially when i was stuck in the middle and couldn’t reach the next hold.

it was great.

on the downside, i’ve currently given up on researching a topic for our reporting in biology.

oops, gotta go! i’ve been in this internet facility long enough to cost me 60 pesos!

ciao!

it’s not the same…without them…

jil and ian…mah dearest cousins…i miss you so so so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can still remember that day jil left. we were in sta. ana and she started to cry when she was saying goodbye and hugging everyone. she was crying heaps of tears, literally! and somehow, in some way, napa-iyak niya ang mga tao sa kanyang paligid. seriously! we all started crying! my titas, who don’t usually cry when someone is about to leave for america ’cause we all know that we’d all see each other again sometime. but this is different.

oh sure, we’d see jil again. but it’s gonna be a long time before she returns. two years. TWO. YEARS. isn’t that a long time for us to see each other??

jil continued to cry and also continued to affect the people around her. her crying was like an airborne disease, infecting everyone, even the babies (no, seriously, my baby sister and my pamangkin started to cry along with the rest of us…funny, though. or maybe it was just because they saw that everyone was crying and thought that they’d join in too. babies’ minds are so funny…)

ciara and i followed jil to the van that would take her to the airport. we can’t go with her since we have classes the next day and it was nearing midnight (i think). so we waved at her until we can’t see her (or the van).

that day was really sad.

next was ian. the day before, our titas were teasing him, asking him if he would cry as much as jil did. he was a good sport, playing along with their jokes. saying, "no. at least not as much as ate jil, though."

the day he was leaving, he was quiet. he barely said a word unless he really needed to (i.e. answer the endless questions of ate marife and our titas and his dad, tito jun).
he’s always been like this. whenever he’s leaving for america, and we would go to the airport with him, he’d never utter a word.

i was the one who went with him to the airport. wala kasing pasok ‘nun e. Q.C. day. (i luv Q.C.!)

we barely said a word to each other in the van. but i could tell that he’ll really miss this place. i asked him if he was going to come back for christmas this year. he said he wasn’t sure, since christmas break at their school is just for two weeks. (please, ian! come back this christmas!) this is the same reason why jil can’t come back this christmas with her sister and brother because she’ll just be here for two weeks. which would suck, if you ask me.

i didn’t cry when ian left. i wanted to, you see, but i don’t want to cry in front of ian. HE might cry too. and i wouldn’t want that. he might not be able to catch his plane.

i almost cried when we left the airport, though. ian and i waved at each other until we couldn’t see a speck of one another. and from then on, life resumed to its boring pace.

no more balikbayan cousins to spend time with.
no more cousins to play pranks on (i actually didn’t get the chance to…i wanted to, but midterms held me back…cursed midterms!!!!!).
no more cousins to fool around with.
no more cousins to steal naruto dvd’s from (i want those naruto dvd’s, ian!!!)
no more cousins to get me interested in naruto.
no more cousins to hang out with.
no more…

…

*holds back tears*

I WANT MY COUSINS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay. i’ve really lost it.

i guess the next time i’ll see jil, she’ll be taller than me (or ciara…whatever.) and ian will probably be taller than me too. i mean, he’s only thirteen. he’ll grow taller…(NOOOOOO!!!) i feel so short. hehe…

ian, you’d better NOT grow when i see you this christmas.

imagine, he grew a couple of inches in a span of, what? 4 or 6 months? hello?? growth spurt!

better start drinking those cherifer vitamins…*hopeful*

i miss you, jil and ian! you probably don’t know how much! or maybe you do…Ü

naks naman, ganda ng title. well, that IS what this entry is gonna be about. reaching for what seemed unreachable at first.

but before anything else, let me just get one thing off my chest:

CURSE THAT PERSON WHO EVER INVENTED THE SUBJECT ENGINEERING DRAWING!!!!!!!!!

*sigh* i feel so much better now. won’t explain what THAT was about, though. long story. and that’s not even what this entry is about.

okay, things that seemed unreachable…for me. hee…

guess i’d better start off with people. okay, i’m always surrounded by achievers. my whole life, actually. if not achievers, at least people with a lot of talent in something. or even being able to do something that is otherwise "undo-able" in my part.

i used to feel so inferior compared to them. (yes, i AM suffering from inferiority complex…can’t help it, you know!) but then i realized that having them around wasn’t so bad after all.

instead of just sitting down, watching them do those great things that i’m not able to do, i pushed myself to be like them. and that’s a good thing because it makes you aim for the best, therefore perform at your best. and sometimes those best efforts yield the best results (take note of the word, "sometimes").

examples…hm…let’s see…aha! i know! the day when my cousins and i went ice skating in megamall. they were all skating so fast, both forward and backward, while i was left eating their dust. but because i wanted to skate like them, it took some time for me to be skating real fast (the technique is to bend low, hockey player style) and slowly skating backwards (still working on this…have to practice!). but at least i was able to do it!

yeah, i know, it’s kind of a shallow example. i thought so too, but i just wanted to skate backwards so badly! heehee…

then there’s my partner in my P.E. class (wall climbing). she’s really good at climbing, very light and speedy. i thought i would never be like her, but with her help, i’m somehow able to develop those skills that she has. well, almost. i still can’t finish the "into the woods" wall, though. it’s hard.

the only thing that seems unreachable right now is my passing the ES 1 subject. i’m kinda thinking of dropping it and redoing it over the summer, but…i don’t know, i just don’t want to quit. i don’t wanna be called a quitter again.

I WON’T, AND I’LL NEVER BE!

okay, gotta sleep. i’m really sleepy. i haven’t had a good night’s sleep since midterms week started (damn midterms…)